It’s two days until my departure, and you could say I’m excited. You could also say I’m terrified, stressed, scatterbrained, and even a little agitated at times. In a little over forty-eight hours time, I leave my family, my friends, my job, my home, and my country for an unknown land (unknown to me, at least) on the far side of the world. I decided to do this trip because I felt myself getting a little too complacent where I was, both in the physical sense, the emotional, and, dare I say it, the spiritual.
Since graduating college two years ago, my life has been in stasis. It’s been a good time for me, granted. I’ve grown both as a musician and as a person. Being able to live sans academia has done wonders for me. Still, I needed a change, to bust the cycle of doing gigs and practicing (though I love those two activities with passion). Recalling my experiences traveling abroad in 2005 (the summer after high school, when I was 18, I backpacked around Europe with two friends), it seemed this trip is just what I need, and so I’m flinging myself across the Pacific to find…
What? I have no idea. I haven’t the foggiest plan for what I’ll be doing for next six months, or where I’ll be going once I leave Japan, or even where I’ll be staying my first night. I have only a cursory knowledge of Japan, its history, its people, and its culture (let alone the language… “Eigo wo hanase masu ka?”). Not only am I sailing off into the unknown, I’m completely without a compass. Still, I can’t complain. I could have made rigorous plans. I could have drawn up an itinerary. I chose not to. I want this journey to unfold as I go, however that may be. It’s the unknown that fills with me abject terror, but also excitement at the same time. It’s a strange sensation, and difficult to explain.
When I was a kid, and my mother was teaching late at UCSD, I’d stay with my grandmother. She’d often take me out on adventures around Escondido at night, and I’ll never forget one in particular. She drove me to this tiny lane on the back side of a hill (I was too short to see out the windows, so I’m not sure where we were exactly). There was this long, high chain fence with a row of bushes behind it, blocking the view of the property. She called me over and then rapped on the fence with her knuckles. Suddenly there was noise, and the bushes started shaking. Something was coming through.
I feel the same right now, sitting here writing this, as I did when I was six, staring at those bushes, frightened at what was coming but also exhilarated at what it might be. Continuing to stare wide-eyed at the tremulous bushes, I was rewarded by a sight I’ll always remember: a giant emu striding forth from the brush and walking up to the fence. Never could I have expected or predicated that outcome, and what’s what made it so amazing. The unknown can be scary, but it can great also.
On another note, I have no clue why a man in Escondido was raising an emu on his property (there might have been a few of them, but it clearly wasn’t a farm). Eggs? Feathers? Meat? Or do emus just make great, if somewhat awkward pets? Whatever the case, I’m glad to call Escondio home.
Forgive my odd, nostalgic tangent. I do hope that didn’t bore you, and that you’re still reading this. I decided to make this blog for several reasons, namely: 1) To let my friends and family know where I am and what I’m up to, 2) To establish a lifeline to my home, so I don’t feel completely alone out there, and 3) Because, frankly, I enjoy writing (before music, it was my favorite thing to do). I hope I’ll be able to fill it with stories of the unknown, however it manifests itself.
Anyway, this what I’ve taken to calling the ‘Panic Phase.’ It’s a frenzied rush to get everything ready before I leave. There’s still a precise packing to be worked out, a recording session to do, a car to be dealt with, a bed to be broken down and stored, initial accommodations to be booked, emails to be sent, friends to be seen, and lastly, but not least, nerves to be settled. I haven’t even been thinking much about the trip (save for the writing of this blog entry). I’ve been too busy focusing on getting everything done.
I don’t mean sound glum. I am, at my core, so thrilled to be doing this. It’s big, and whatever happens is going to be amazing. I’ll come back changed, hopefully (all the jokes about marriage and radiation aside). I am afraid, but as one friend told me, that’s just an indicator that I’m going in the right direction. It’ll be uncomfortable for a while, maybe even scary, but it’ll also be something life-defining. As another friend told me, I will embrace the fear. I’ll take that nervous energy and channel it into something great.
Lastly, I just want to say how much it’s meant to me having the friends and family that I have. These last few weeks have been incredible. I’ve never felt so loved. It makes it harder to leave, actually. Thank you all so much. I don’t think I could do this thing without you. I’ll miss you all while I’m away, and I’ll be carrying your kind words and love with me wherever I go.
In the words of Douglas Adams, “DON’T PANIC.”
Soupy twist,
Edward
PS- Here’s a link this blogs namesake:
the video definitely helps make sense of your randomness. :)
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